


Three Kids and The Ghost With The Most

by BD_Z



Category: Beetlejuice (TV 1989), Beetlejuice - All Media Types
Genre: Divorce, Eventual Romance, F/M, Family Fluff, Marriage, Miscommunication, Secret Crush, Step-parents, beetlebabes, new start
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2020-11-07 20:17:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20823194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BD_Z/pseuds/BD_Z
Summary: Beetlejuice, the ghost with the most, became the ghost with... a family. Trouble was, it wasn't his family. Lydia was the mother of three beautiful children but they were not his. Hey, a ghost can pretend, right? That is until Lydia comes home with dramatic news that will change their little family forever.





	1. Daily Shuffle

**Author's Note:**

> This is just for fun. Something light-hearted... ish. This will be a slow upload as it's not a priority story. I have a challenge story to write first. :)

The daily shuffle provided a much-needed distraction from the ongoings of a busy life. These days, it was more like a dying slug trying to reach a puddle of water in the heat of July. 

The lack of sleep didn't exactly help much either. Leaving nothing but a slime trail of lethargic ooze in the environment. The ephemeral aura of pure nature and pine trees began to take on the metaphysical plasma of her emotions.

For Lydia Deetz, the thought of going home and slipping into a warm bath with some scented salt sounded like a dream. A fantasy. A little bit of witchcraft to boost up her energy and make her whole again.

Such a dream lay behind the doors of her two-story townhouse where a bed lay in wait. A bed, that was not but a few feet away from her en-suite and glorious bathtub. 

If she were fortunate, the chaos of the day would be at an end with the kids fed and ready for bed. Patiently waiting for Lydia to kiss them and read them a bedtime story. Then it will be bath time.

The perfect night will lay just beyond. A glass of wine, soft music. A decadent escape from a day's worth of work and nagging legalities.

As she approached the steps and pulled out her key, her hope for such a night only grew due to the silence. No screaming. No crashing. Just the sounds of a town winding down. 

However, all hope was dashed, crumpled like a discarded note in her office garbage can, when she opened the door and stepped into hell.

Disaster hardly covered the mess that greeted her. The living room couch was flipped over, pillows, and cushions scattered around the living room. There was paint on the walls with a few crude drawings of decapitated skeletons and monsters. A puddle of water began to leak onto the carpet. The trail of which led from the kitchen and - was that an exploded bag of white cooking flour.

As if on queue, the screaming erupted like a volcanic eruption putting any natural disaster to shame with how it stopped her heart. Two shrill voices of young children raised to volumes that could raise the dead.

"Get back here, you little demons!" A gruff raspy voice called out with a snarl of a predator just before the stomping of little feet turned the corner and stopped dead in their tracks at the sight of their mother's bewildered expression.

Behind them, floating at full speed, then crashing into the two five-year-old boys was nonother than the Ghost with the Most, Beetlejuice.

The three of them screamed and tumbled into a heap with Beej shouting victory cries as he wrangled his prize, a box wrapped in paper, from the oldest twins grubby little fingers.

"Ha! I win! You two are gonna realllllyy - uh - Hey Babes." 

Lydia watched as his frantic eyes scanned the room, and with a look of being caught in the act of criminal activity, tried to laugh his way out of it. Typical BJ. 

"They did it." He pointed at the two boys who mirrored his expression of feigned innocence. Their hair was nearly as wild as the dead man's and their faces covered in flour smudges to match his ghostly parlor. 

"No!" They whined, "He started it." "No fair!"

"Uh uh, you little monsters. There is no way I'm getting put in the dog house." 

True to the cartoonish nature of the ghost, his head shifted into his hound self and woofed. Only the boys laughed at this little pun, but that didn't stop them from trying to place blame back on Beej.

Lydia pinched the bridge of her nose while the three boys continued to argue like children.

With a sigh, Lydia kissed her peaceful night goodbye. 

"Where is Lisa?" 

Beej and the boys stopped bickering and looked around in a panic, not wanting to get into more trouble, most likely.

"I'm up here, mom!" 

The young girl, around seven years old, turned the hall corner and came walking down the stairs with a book in her grasps. Her face bore an apathetic gaze at her brothers and their not so suitable guardian before returning to her mother. Lisa was the spitting image of the woman, though far less frazzled: black hair, dark eyes, and a soul filled with a calm that mirrored Lydia's nature.

"Jack, let go of BJ's tie and You, stop pretending to be choked to death. The last thing I need is for my boys to grow up thinking it's ok to strangle their classmates." Lydia walked past the wild maniacs while holding her temples.

* * *

Lisa came down the stairs, her tiny feet bare as she wrinkled her nose at the wet spot on the carpet. She looked at Beetlejuice with a withering expression.

Chuckling, Beej snapped his fingers and began reordering the house back into its perfect suburban family home. Give or take a few horror icon decorations courtesy of Lydsy's unique aesthetic.

"Alright, Hell Spawn. Give your mom some space and go chase the cat for a while."

At that note, in the corner of the living room, a tiny head peeked out from an old cat tree. Eyes wide with terror yet not so much terror as in the years Percy still had his nine lives. 

The boys chuckled and took off after the ghostly feline chasing the poor creature out of his sanctuary. The chaos resumed much to BJ's amusement.

He then turned to follow Lisa into the kitchen where Lydia most likely popped open a bottle of wine. So much for getting the brats to bed so Mama could get her alone time.

Lisa climbed up on the stool near the counter and opened her book to read. Her eyes were scanning the page, silently reading while her mother drank liberally from the glass. 

"Did you feed the kids?" She asked, tone bored.

"What did you think I'd let them starve. Nah, the ungrateful grubs had some pizza. Didn't want Uncle Beej's special stew."

Lydia nearly choked. "You didn't…"

He cackled at her expression. "I ain't gonna kill them, Babes. I happen to think your mongrels are the bee's knees."

Lisa snorted and attempted to hide her smile as Beej waved away the bees that came into the physical realm and stung him.

He eyed the girl, thinking he had her, but the neutral expression brought only disappointment. Guess I gotta try harder. The girl looked up, challenging him with a defiant stare. 

"Ok, that's creepy. Babes! Mini You is reading my mind again."

"Lisa, can you get the boys upstairs and tell them to leave old Percy alone." She rounded the corner of the counter to stand beside her daughter, kissing her on the head.

"Only if you promise that we can see Uncle Jacques and Auntie Ginger this weekend." The girl negotiated with her head held high.

"Hey, I'm cool with that. I love it when you kids wreck my place." Beej chuckled and ruffled the girl's hair. She stuck her tongue out at him. 

Lydia cracked a smile which BJ caught as the warmth of affection for his best friend grew, "I give my official permission. Just don't let them take Doomie for a joyride again, Beej."

Lisa beamed at her mom. She gave her mom a quick hug goodnight and threw her arms around Beej in just the same matter.

When they were alone, Lydia slumped back against the counter. She waited till she heard the steps of her beloved children running up the stairs before she spoke. Beej continued to eye her demeanor, looking for some clue that he needed to bail or set the night on fire. Not literally. Lyds didn't have the energy for adventures anymore. He floated in place, picking his teeth throwing her a lecherous leer for good measure when she caught his eye.

"So, what exactly did the boys take from you that caused you three to utterly destroy my house?" Lydia quirked a smile at the ghost.

He was unable to suppress a maniacal cackle, he pulled a wrapped box out of his pocket and tossed it to her. She caught it easily in one hand.

"Happy Anniversary, Lydsy." He beamed at her. Love and appreciation for her filled him with pride as he watched her process the involuntary action.

She placed her glass of wine down and focused on opening BJ's gift.

He waited on baited undead breath as he watched her open the box to reveal the ring. Yup, a ring. She had been eyeing that shiny rock for weeks at the Maul unable to justify the expense. To him, the cost was worth that smile.

But when that smile didn't come, his guts began to twist unnaturally. Lydia's eyes began to fill with water. His feet settled onto the floor as he began to shift around uncomfortably. He waited for any signal that he did good, but all that built-up tension and hope cracked as she choked out a sob — a terrible sound between a laugh of irony and a scream of pain.

"Whoa, whoa, Lyds. What's wrong?" He crossed the short space and wrapped his arms around her, His Lydia. He paid no mind to the dampness soaking his shirt. It was only snot, and as Lydia poured all her grief out onto her long-time friend, he could live with the tears dripping her essence onto his cold dead skin.

"It's Rob…" she said with a shaky breath into the fabric.

"Aww shit," Beej muttered, "What did old Bobby boy do? Did he hurt ya? You know I have no problem digging his grave for ya, just give me the word."

A scoff slipped past her lips as she lifted her head to face him. Those dark circles surrounding her sunken eyes were much darker than before, and the red, Ah hell, the red blood vessels of her eyes were an angry crimson. How had he missed the signs of her distress?

Lydia stopped his mental barrage of self reprimanding with a gentle smile. A sad ghost of a smile.

"I'm getting a divorce." 


	2. Daddy's Asleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bedtime and morning chaos. Just a day in the life of Lydia Deetz.

By all the powers of Heaven, Hell, and the neitherworld… The children were asleep. This stroke of good luck was nothing short of a blessing. Ironically Beetlejuice only ever knew of a few blessings in his long afterlife. This… well, shit. This almost makes up for the little monsters' devious tricks. Almost.

Now, Lydia, She was more than a blessing. She was an angel sent to pull his damned ass out of a boring afterlife. These kids, well, they were a whole different type of joy in his existence. They were his Lyds kids — the closest thing he will ever have to a family of his own.

Hell, everyone in the netherworld said the boys looked like him. Thanks to old chicken-livered Chuckie for the donation of recessive genetics, Lydia was able to pass on the sandy-colored hair. Babes had her own complex genetic material which all three monsters inherited, and as luck had it, not one kid in the bunch looked like the sperm donor. Granted, there were only three, but lucky number three always suited their unique family nature.

Family. Just that word alone gave him a glow of pride when he looked at the sleeping hellions. All curled up in their beds, covered in deep magenta and black blankets while the entire pattern consisted of skulls and bats. The rascals, perfect little goblins of doom.

Bj was good with the whole bedtime thing. Parenting became a source of pride; he refused to think of this as babysitting. He wouldn't admit it to anyone, but he was also good at the homework thing, making dinner and you can't forget the entertainment — a regular Mr. Mom. Getting to play Dad was his favorite part of the job.

The illusion became even more vivid when Beej juiced up a warm bath for his Babes and told Lydia to get going. She deserved to let her hair down and sink into bliss. Part of it was to help her find a relaxing moment after a stressful day, but the truth was, he hated to have the kids see their mother in the state she was in. Hell, he didn't even want to see her like that.

It only gave him further reason to hate the man she married. He'd show that loser. Bobby buttface was gonna regret ever laying an eye on his Lyds. The man was in for a serious juicing.

Priorities… one job at a time. There would be plenty of time to deal with the biggest mistake he ever made when it came to the girl whose happiness he dedicated his existence.

Closing the door to the kids' bedroom room, he floated down the hall and peeked into Lydia room. He pressed an ear to her bathroom door. With a sigh of relief, he listened to the sounds of water as she moved around in her tub. No more tears, no sobbing. Just a woman, and a washcloth.

Beetlejuice shook his head to rid himself of an approaching fantasy. Bad timing for those thoughts. Not now after the day she was having. Besides, there was plenty of time for that later when he was back at the Roadhouse where he could stare at the portrait of Lydia in her wedding dress in a cemetery churchyard. The one he hung in his room to remind him that even though she was alive and in love, he still had the best of her and had been there for her longer than any man could claim.

Eyes closed, he rested his ear to the door, listening to her gentle vocalizations through the thin wood. A moan of satisfaction gave him all the reassurance that she wasn't in another round of hysterics. Reluctantly he pulled away from the sounds of pleasure, not wanting to let his imagination get the best of him.

Beetlejuice forced himself to leave the room and head downstairs into the kitchen. Back to being the imaginary spouse, Beej used his juice to put an after bath snack together for her and grabbed the bottle of wine Lyds had indulged in earlier. He took it to the living room and waited for her with closed eyes.

Now. Now he could fantasize. Now he could do the regular mental reprogramming of his afterlife to bring him into the world where he was the only man in Lydia's life.

The girl he once knew was a spunky little thing. He could never see her as a kid, not when she had always been his voice of reason since that adorable face-first smiled at his ghostly grotesqueness. She hardly flinched at the first sign of a haunted house and chose instead to make that terrifying monster who haunted the town of Peaceful Pines into a lap dog. Her lap dog.

He would do anything to make her happy - and perhaps he did his job a little too well. The moment she came to him with those big pleading eyes about someone who touched her heart. He also knew the time was coming when she would realize that a ghost for a best friend wouldn't be enough.

Fuck. Maturity sucks but at least this one continued to believe in her gift and refused to let her juice, her part of their deal, slip away. So, in return, he did the only thing he could, and he placed their union into annulment so she could move on and be with Butt-Fuck Bobby.

Beetlejuice growled as he began to fill with hatred for the man who stole his young bride. His Lydia, HIS Babes.

Rage bubbles and broiled inside of the ghost tulle he couldn't hold back a childish urge to juiced the jackass in the family photos over and over until Lydia descended the stairs as if she were as weightless as a spector.

Dressed in a simple black nightgown, far more appealing than the ones she wore in her youth. This one offered a view of smooth, creamy skin and a low neckline. The silky material clung to her figure like liquid hardly covering the effect of a chill in the air to her —— ah, back to safe zone there B. He amended his thoughts but to counties to appreciate the sight. The only mar to her beauty and perfection were the bruised looking puffiness in her eyes. Reminding him once again of the one person he hated the most in this universe. Because of Him, Lydia was visibly not in the mood for playful banter.

"So what exactly is up Bobby-Boy? He's not serious?" Beej began while he held up a newly filled glass; his power poured the moment she appeared before him. It was the best way to hide his real emotions. All for her. He had to keep reminding himself.

Lydia took the floating glass he offered her and let out a derisive scoff at the mention of the man's name. "The papers that were served to me at the gallery were real, BJ."

Beetlejuice felt his heart began to skip, knocking at his chest, wanting to believe the impossible and hating himself at the same time for what this could do to Lydia's confidence.

"Why?" He asked.

She shrugged and sipped her wine before taking a seat next to him on the couch. Her head rested on his shoulder, giving him another flutter. He adjusted himself so she could lean against his chest instead.

There… stupid heart, beat against her ears. Leave me out of this; I'm having a hard enough time... er. Never mind. Don't go there.

"Ah, fuck 'em. He doesn't deserve ya."

"He's still my husband." Lydia tilted her head and mockingly waving her hand. "Till death do us part."

"Pfft. Oh, boy, just what I need. Bobby bangin' at my door. I'll never get rid of him. He does know that you and the kids are gonna live at the Roadhouse when the time comes." He tapped his finger to Lydia's nose. "He's not allowed."

She shoved him gently, laughing — ah such a beautiful sound.

"Robert isn't going to be in the picture much longer. He's made that clear this afternoon."

"What, like in person? I thought old Bert-head was in the big old city."

Lydia sighed and handed her glass to Bj, surprising him by wrapping her arms around his torso and breathing in his scent. She smiled. Possibly thinking back to the days when it was just the two of them. Partners in grime. At least he hoped that was the case since no one in their right mind would breathe in his aroma. At least he no longer forced the skunk stench out with his manifestations. Once Lydia grew out of bad smells, it was just no fun anymore.

Beej floated the glass over to the table and wrapped his arms around her in return. He kissed the top of her head as he had done with much more frequency over the years.

"You know. I don't mean ta be a dick, but if ya want, I can pop in on the old boy and scare the pants off him." He chuckled. "Give him a reason to run home to his mama. Maybe even …"

"Beej." Lydia interrupted him. "I don't wanna talk about it. Not tonight."

He zipped his lips, literally. Sealing off any words that would cause more damage. Luckily it had the desired effect on her because she laughed again and cuddled closer.

What came next caught him entirely off guard as she lifted herself onto one of her knees, unzipped his lips, and then kissed him with the briefest, gentlest peck anyone had ever given him.

Then she settled back down and curled up into his side, leaving him to wonder what the hell that had been about.

* * *

  
Waking up felt like crawling out of a fuzz filled tub of sludge. At least that was Lydia's first morning thought as she stretched her body while curling her toes and balling her fists. She came to the surface of reality only to discover she was in her bed. Alone.

Of course, she was alone. She had been for ages, but the strangeness had little to do with a lack of a bedtime companion and more to do with her memory gap. Her last memory had been of her snuggling against Beetlejuice and breathing on his earthy grave-dirt scent.

Though some would find it disturbing that a grown woman would hold onto a dead man for comfort, BJ was more than a ghost. He was unique. He was a ghost with the power to maintain a solid corporal state. He was all she ever needed in life and probably all she would need when all things have passed. Regardless of how tired she was, he always found a way to make her smile. Beetlejuice never seemed to run out of energy or jokes, and still, after all these years, he remained her one source of comfort.

She reached for her pillow and squeezed the material. Comfort was what she so desperately needed right now, but how could she call for him? How could she put her heart through the pain again?

Beej could never understand why she married Robert even if he accepted everything from her brief dating to the proposal with a happy face. She had hoped that he would protest. Throw a fit and give her a reason to want to rebel against the status quo.

Most young brides in Peaceful Pines are thrilled to marry at nineteen, but Lydia wondered why it was so important. She wasn't religious. Neither were her parents, but for some reason, Robert was determined they be married before any intimacy could occur. So they did.

Nineteen, she thought miserably. Their marriage of eleven years was about to end, and she felt like she was tearing in half. Not for the lack of Robert's love, that had been waning for years. He stopped reciprocating romantic feelings when the boys were born. Twins, they were warned, would be a challenge, but it had nothing to do with their crying. They hardly ever cried.

They laughed all the time. Even as infants.

The truth of the matter was, Lydia had a broken heart. Now that Robert was leaving, she didn't feel any hope for a romantic connection. Who would love her? A woman with three children. A Divorcee haunted by a spirit who had her heart and soul. Her first husband.

There were only two main loves in her life, aside from her children, and both of them had no interest in her as a romantic partner. BJ made that clear when he annulled their union so she could marry Robert.

Lydia felt the swollen puffiness of her eyes begin to ache from her tears.

At least Beej would never leave her like her second husband was about to do.

The shuffling outside her bedroom door alerted her to the wakeful state of her kids, and based on the foot stomps; she knew it to be one of her boys.

"Lisa, Victor!" Ah, that was Jack …

"What do you want?" Grumbled the sweet voice of her little girl. Like Lydia, she was not affected by the manic nature of her brothers. She never even batted an eyelash as BJ's antics though on occasion, she could catch a small grin appear.

"It's Daddy. Sleeping on the couch." He squealed excitedly.

The running foot stomps of two heavy-footed boys ran down the stairs, drowning out the silent, fleeting sound of Lisa's graceful steps.

Lydia cringed. She wasn't ready to face him. She couldn't imagine being confronted by the anger and the looks of mistrust and betrayal. But she needed to do this. For her own heart's sake, she might as well rip off the bandage she placed over her tender emotions. Just rip open the wound. It would heal faster, she reasoned.

Slowly she extracted herself from the safety of her bed and pulled on a night robe to cover her nightclothes. He would wonder why she wore the negligee, and it wouldn't do to inspire more accusations. Not in front of the kids, at least.

Step by step, she took the descent reluctantly. However, the snores did not sound like Robert at all. Curiosity piqued, Lydia picked up her pace only to be met with her twins planning to pour a cup of water onto Beetlejuice's head, Lisa standing in the corner with her hand covering her mouth.

Confusion filled her as she tried to recall what Jack had said. Did he call him Daddy? No, that's not right. The kids knew the truth. They wouldn't, couldn't know what Robert had been saying.

Lydia peered down the stairs slightly around the corner and out of sight. She watched as the scene play out.

Sure enough, the moment the water touched Beej, he shot up screeching to high hell. The boys fell over laughing while Lisa held herself as best she could before the giggles got the best of her. The manic ghost could raise the dead, Lydia slapped her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing.

"You little monsters!" Beetlejuice cried out when he saw the gleeful expressions on the children's faces.

"Ha, You needed a bath!" Cried Jack with glee while he curled his lips into a mischievous snarl. Too much like BJ, Lydia smiled at that notion.

"Bath time Dirty Daddy!" Victor joined in as he jumped up and down repeatedly. The opposite of his brothers' devilish nature, Victor, was chaotic happiness who continued his chant while his sister giggled on good-naturedly.

"Why you-"He reached out for Victor to pull him in for a good noogie, but then his eyes fell on Lisa, "Et Tu Lissy?"

"You said to wake you if you ever fell asleep here," she said in the most matter of fact tone all trace of her giggles gone leaving only a smartass smirk similar to those Lydia had given her ghost in the past.

"Yeah, and I also said, no water. Ever!" He stood up to full height with his hands on his hips, but the kids hardly looked intimidated.

"Play with us! Play with us!" The boys chanted on opposite sides of Beej, tugging on his magenta shirt sleeves. Lydia was no longer able to hold back her giggles.

Beetlejuice and the kids froze, turning to the direction of the stairway. Just seeing them, all four looking like a batch of criminals caught in the act was enough to lift a heavy weight off her shoulder. The boys looked up at Beetlejuice for some clue as to what to do. The dumbfounded expression complete with a lopsided, busted grin, left with nothing to work with.

It was Lisa who made the first move, grabbing Jack by the ear and dragging him into the kitchen, muttering about pouring them some cereal before making an exit. This left Lydia alone with a sheepish Beetlejuice.

"How many times have you fallen asleep while watching my kids, Beej?" Lydia asked him, approaching him with a sultriness he hadn't seen since she tricked him into committing political fraud.

"Uh…. hehe. Ya see…"

"Beetlejuice," she said softly, closing the space between them. She could see his posture stiffen at the use of his full name but made no move to ease his comfort. "No tricks. You know I love it when you are … honest…. with me."

She reached out for the buttons of his shirt, fixing them while he stood there, floundering for the right words. Lydia noticed his jacket and tie had been draped over the recliner and smirked at the ease in which he took over the living room.

"Nap times, ya know… plus, the boys get all wild. I mean seriously, I know they take after me but-"

Lydia's fingers stilled at his words. Her heart was fluttering pleasantly before looking up to see how pink her ghosts cheeks had become.

"- ya know. Forget it. My bad, Babes. You know me."

Humming out an amused agreement, Lydia smiled at him, tugging at his shirt collar. "I guess I should probably be more concerned with why my kids are calling you Daddy."

"It's not what you think!" Beetlejuice jumped away from Lydia's touch, surprising her.

Before Lydia could say anything, before even being able to finish a thought, the house phone rang, disrupting the moment in which Lydia was about to laugh due to her best friend's terrified expression. Instead, Lydia sighed rather loudly and turned her back on Beej, who still looked like he was about to be devoured by a sandworm.


	3. True Fatherhood

Lisa was a smart girl. Not only could she sense when something was bothering her mother, but she could also tell when something was bothering her ghost dad, and, right now, it had nothing to do with being dunked with water. She knew him as well as anyone in her life, and not just because of her empathic abilities. Beetlejuice. He was with her from the day she was born.

He was the only father she accepted, much to the dismay of her mother. Not that she really had much of a choice. Lisa distinctly remembered crying over the fact that her father never came to cuddle or show her affection.

However, BJ was  _ always _ there. He was the one who hugged her and made her laugh. Beetlejuice was the one who boosted her confidence and read her stories to get her to sleep at night, and Beetlejuice was the one who settled down with her mother every night to watch movies and drink that nasty red stuff.

It didn't take her long before she saw it; she knew the truth. Parentage had nothing to do with who was married to her mom. Beetlejuice, Crazy Uncle BJ, was her real father. He was the one who never faltered in love, going as far as to split himself into clones to take care of all three of them and giving her and the boys the attention they deserved.

Mommy was always so sad and so tired, but when Daddy BJ was around, she smiled and laughed. He made her happier than her other father ever had. Which was why, as she listened to her parents talking about the accidental name slip, she grinned wide. Smug satisfaction blossomed in her chest as she listened to the way her mother took the news.

Her smile grew wider still when ‘Daddy’ came into the kitchen, looking even more like a ghost than usual. 

“So…. Dad.” Lisa chuckled at the flinch in his posture. “Mommy didn’t get mad after all. Now, will you marry her?”

His screech delighted her, just as it did to her brothers, Jack and Victor, who scooped wide mouthfuls of cereal between giggles and shoves. 

“Traitors, all three of ya.” He said with an amused chuckle when he finally regained himself. “First water, then ya get me in trouble for falling asleep on the job? Lisa go eat your cereal and leave the grown-up talk to the-“

“Dead guy and the grown-ups?” She finished for him with a devilish little snicker. Lisa turned her attention back to her breakfast, trying not to let her brothers’ giggles trigger her into a fit of laughter.

“Smart Alec.” Daddy BJ took a seat next to her. “Listen, ya guys know I care about your mom.”

They all three nodded; Jack flicked a sugared flake at his sister just to be obstinate. Lisa was about to return the gesture, but BJ snatched the flying food from mid-air with a mere snap. Appalled at her lack of revenge, she was about to say something when the cereal landed right back into her bowl with a plop.

“Not today, kiddo. Your mom ain’t doing so good, so I’m gonna take you stinkers out. Finish your gross food and get yourself dressed."

"Where are we going?" Victor asked, mouth full of cereal, of course. Who did manners anymore? Certainly not the boys. They take too much after their Dirty Daddy to care much about what was considered normal. 

Lisa didn’t mind as long as the boys stayed out of her stuff. Cleaning was not her job, and that was alright with her. Was she spoiled by having a magic-wielding father figure? Oh yes, she was, and so she didn’t think too much of it when her other brother began to dribble milk down his front as he repeated Victor's question.

"Pfft, where else?” BJ replied while rubbing his fingers against the fabric of his shirt. “The Neitherworld, of course." 

When the kids finished their cereal, they bolted up to their rooms to get dressed, leaving BJ alone to clean. Clean! Like a person with standards. Little stinkers knew the best way to torment him. He would be offended, but they were too much like him that he would take what he could get.

Much to Lydia’s amusement, Beetlejuice had become such a ‘responsible’ adult. It made him sick.

However, not as sick as the look on Lydia’s face when he had finished cleaning up after the Hellions. Her worn expression told him so much without a single word, but he listened as she continued to speak.

“Mother, you don’t understand. I don’t want to fix anything. -No. Just drop it. Please.” 

Ah, it’s Mrs. D. Figures. 

Beetlejuice floated over to where Lydia was clutching the receiver till her gentle knuckles became white with the tension and blood loss.

He didn’t say a thing, but his ear did grow a little in size so he could eavesdrop on the conversation.

‘Lydia, those children need a father. How will you take care of them by yourself? Your father knew that the best thing for you was to have a complete family. When your mother..’

“Don’t bring her into this. Dad didn’t marry to keep me happy, and you know it, Mother. He married you because he wasn’t strong enough to keep going without-”

‘Excuse me! Don’t you talk about your father like that!’

Lydia huffed, locking eyes with Beej, who tried his hardest not to show his anger. Her pleading eyes said it all, and he took the phone from her grasp. 

“Hey, Mrs. D, ‘member me? Yeah, so here’s the thing. I’m helping Lydia out with the babysitting and all that, so don’t worry about them. Old Beetleman at your service. Babysitter extraordinaire. Number one diaper changer in all the world. Got it? Good. Now, I gotta say, this really isn’t the time to get into all this, ‘he said, she said.’ Lydia is gonna go to the spa and do all those overworked mom things, and I am taking the kids out for the day. No one is gonna be here, so save the phone calls. ‘Kay?”

As he placed the phone into the cradle, they could hear Delia’s voice's screech, but the words were too garbled to matter. 

“And THAT takes care of that. How ya feelin’, Babes?”

Under normal circumstances, Beetlejuice would have been thrilled by the way Lydia flung herself into his arms, but the silent sobs were too much. Her whispers of thanks were barely audible as she spoke into the fabric of his shirt. He could feel the anguish radiating off of her, but the way she melted into him… he was starting to feel the change from anger and sadness to something more. He panicked.

Placing hands on her shoulder, he pulled her away from him and pecked a sloppy kiss on her forehead.

“Go on; I got the monsters today.”

“Beetlejuice,” Lydia crossed her arms, “Where exactly are you going to take them?”

“We can go to the ‘eye scream’ shop, the park - The abusement park! I hear Ol’ Batty Bart boy sold his place to a local clown. It might be fun.”

“No. No Abusement Parks till they are at least thirteen.” 

The amusement on her face was enough to satisfy him. He shrugged and reached out to ruffle her hair. 

“Ya, sure. Keep all the excitement between us. No need to share the thrills with the kids. I get it. All ya had to do was say the word and-”

He was silenced by a short peck on his lips.

Lydia patted his cheek. “We can talk about excitement at another time, Beej.”

“Lyds?”

Her hand slid down to his chest and gave another pat right over his unbeating heart. Somehow that touch managed to make it skip. Not to mention her ability to stump him with mere words. And by stump, he meant…. Well, it’s probably not the time for that. He needed to keep his head on straight- and his other head down.

“I’ll take care of the lawyers and stuff today. I want this over with.” She let out a vocal sigh and turned away from him, leaving him with nothing more to do than to watch her walk up the stairs.

Harder and harder every day, he thought but stifled that notion with a punch to his _Neitherworld_. Better sore than in the doghouse.

* * *

Taking the kids to the Neitherworld was nothing. A trip to the Eye Scream shop, a drive with old Doom-a-roo, and a walk in the park. Rules? Nah, no such thing when the kiddos were out with Uncle BJ.

Nothing could ruin their day out of the land of the breathers. A Neitherworld trip was all they needed to bond and cause some serious trouble. Maybe a mess or two that he didn’t have to clean for once, and if all went well, they would head back to the Roadhouse where Jacques and Ginger could entertain the mini monsters while he took a trip to the rot tub. He could almost feel the slime between his toes.

When they arrived at the park, the only one Lydia deemed safe for her kids to play with without supervision, Beej went straight for the bench, stretching his body out to take up most of the seat. He wasn’t about to share his spot with some snooty mom. Especially since they don’t exactly put out like they used to, damn, he really needed to get laid. This dad thing was getting way too weird. Too domestic. His mom would be so proud of him. Yeech. 

Lisa squealed, startling Beej after he had finally begun to doze off, but when he looked, he noticed she was playing with a skeleton dog. A small dog. Nothing too dangerous from what he could see, but he recoiled regardless at the yapping that came from the creature. The boys jumped down from the play structure to join their sister in chasing the pup around, but just as he was about to warn them against rabies, a shadow fell over him.

“Well, what do we have here?” He knew that voice.

A woman, and sure enough, he recognized her with a quick once over. Just looking at this woman gave him a rush of nostalgia for his bachelor days. It hit him in the gut with guilt and satisfaction that he could still find another female attractive. The blue hue to her skin was nearly glowing with her frozen death, but she looked different this time. She no longer had the exposed skeletal structures from when she was left for dead on her wedding day.

“Emily! Babe! I thought you crossed over. You know, up with the higher-ups. Angelic wings and shit.” Beetlejuice leered at her, but she merely swatted at him with fondness. As if this were just a normal conversation with a good friend.

“Time sure does fly. My, my, Betel, your children are adorable. Did you finally find that living bride you’ve always wanted?”

“Did you ever get that frigid good boy back from the rich bitch?” 

Perhaps that was a bit harsh, but she touched a nerve, and she seemed to recognize it as she took a seat beside him. Her head held high and haughty, the air of a lady of her time. 

“I’ll have you know, Mr., that Victoria is a lovely lady, and they happen to make a beautiful couple. Adoringly so, and I’m blessed to have them both in my afterlife.” Emily blushed in the way that only the dead could. Her demure twist of her shoulder, shying away from the raised eyebrows of the Ghost with the Most. He didn’t miss the implications.

“Whoa… 1900th century much?” 

“Oh, hush. As I recall, an old ghost once told me that the living marry for the sole purpose of procreation and love requires nothing of the sort, whom you love does not matter so long as you find it.”

Beetlejuice slowly turned to face the lovely face of his old friend and smiled. “You remembered?”

“I could hardly forget it. As you recall, I was a mere blushing bride when we met.” Emily grazed his cheek with a kiss. “It was lovely seeing you again. Your children truly are adorable. The boys look just like you.”

The twist in his gut nearly forced the truth out of him. To confess, but he couldn’t do it. Instead, he returned to his delusion. “What can I say? Strong JEANS.”

Emily laughed and the appearance of denim that formed in front of them, flexing impressively. It vanished quickly without much more than a pop, and Emily bid her farewells, smoothing her skirts as she stood. 

“Well, I do need to get going. I only stopped because Scraps adores children. Victor and Victoria had children, but they grew up. We have not been so lucky to have any in this afterlife. Perhaps one day.” Emily reached out to brush Beetlejuice’s cheek. “Enjoy it while you can. The living grow old too quickly.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

One last angelic smile from his old friend, his former lover, if he were being honest, and she was gone having called her boney pup to her. The kids whined at the loss but waved goodbye before running back to BJ’s side.

“Hey, runts. Tired out yet?” He chuckled when Jack yawned. 

“Who was that pretty lady?” Lisa asked. She fixed her gaze at what remained of Emily’s form in the distance. 

“An old friend,” He replied with a stretch as he stood up. His bones popped loudly, protesting the movement. 

“Girlfriend?” Lisa pressed, taking BJ’s hand and pulling him along the path to lead them back to Doomie.

Beetlejuice picked up the twins when Jack nearly toppled over his shoelaces. He wasn’t about to explain to Lydia how her kid fell to Sandworm land. “Girlfriend? Yeech, what do you take me for? A sap?”

“Isn’t mommy your girlfriend?” 

“Your mom is my Babes. That’s different.” 

Lisa snorted, “Oh yeah? How?”

Beetlejuice adjusted his grip on the boys, grumbling about kids being too damn clever for their own good. He was glad to reach Doomie without further discussion. Lisa, thankfully let the subject drop as she ran to the car and jumped in while he helped the other two into the backseat. Doomie gladly assisted with the seatbelts while Beej climbed into the driver seat. 

As they drove down the road, Doomie flipped through the music stations with Lisa, completely ignoring BJ when he put in his two cents… literally at times. While Lisa and Doomie kept each other entertained long enough to get them back to the roadhouse safely, the boys managed to fall asleep. 

* * *

There is nothing in either the world of the living or dead that could scare Lydia. Nothing, not even a room full of men in stuffy suits with an even stuffier looking man sitting right across from her looking like he took a bite out of one of BJ’s toe jam sandwiches. Robert… her second husband. The biggest mistake of her life.

She wasn’t sad that their union was over. She wasn’t even upset over the fact that he didn’t want custody when he walked out on her. If one could call months away on business trips only to return to hotels, walking out. 

What bothered her was something much deeper. Something that really made her sick to her stomach. His demands.

“As you can see, Mrs. Deetz. Your gallery provided support for both you and your spouse during the marriage, and with a lack of a prenuptial agreement, well, it stands to reason that Mr. Evans receives support.”

Lydia’s grip on the paper tightened. Not enough to cause major damage to the document but enough so that her lawyer took it into his hands, relieving it from her to look over the document.

“You expect me to raise the kids on my own and pay you? Do you really think that’s necessary? Robert, you have a job. You were never home, and now I am going to pay for you to be single? No responsibilities?”

“They are not mine, Lydia, and you know it.”

Just as she was about to retaliate, her lawyer placed a hand on her shoulder while she fumed. Arms crossed over her chest, barely containing the urge she had to call Beej to end this entire mess once and for all.

“Now, Mr. Evans, that allegation could dramatically harm your claim to financial support. You are already choosing to forgo a paternity test, and you are not claiming custody. By all means, you may try to obtain support, but the judge will throw out any proceedings if you continue to slander, Mrs. Deetz.”

“I have every right to maintain my lifestyle!” Robert's voice raised as he slammed his fist dramatically into the table. His lawyers and the mediator stayed silent while he continued, “Lisa may be mine. But the boys… well, look at them. I am not blond; they look nothing like me. How can you say they are mine when you have a man in our house while I am away. He’s all they talk about! Even Lisa talks about him.”

“Mrs. Deetz, who is he referring to?” Her lawyer asked her in hushed tones, but it hardly mattered as Lydia spoke up.

“Mr. B.J. Beetleman has been in my life since I was  _ eleven, _ and I don’t know what this has anything to do with my children. Yeah, he is there when you are gone. Who else is going to help babysit and take care of the house? He has been my family handyman for ages and, quite frankly, Beej would be a better father than you ever could. I could only wish he were their father. At least he cares enough to help me out!”

“You see, she admitted it.”

Robert was looking smug, but Lydia’s lawyer responded with a shake of his head, “Mr. Evans. She said she wished he was the father; she didn’t say he was. We can clear this all up with a simple paternity test. However, as you clearly have no interest in the children or their well-being, I think we will take it to court to clear up matters on the claim of alimony. Which, I assure you, you will not win as you are claiming no responsibility.”

The mediator began to nod in agreement and proceed to wrap up the meeting. While Lydia did the best, she could to stuff all her feelings back up into a box. She couldn’t be angry right now. Insult after insult, she should be used to it by now. 

The only thing she regretted was how inappropriate it would be to let herself get sick all over her soon to be ex. But she felt the nausea roll once again when she looked up at his dark glare. She had no choice but to excuse herself from the room.

She made it in time. Luckily, Lydia didn’t have a sensitive gag reflex, what with her childhood adventures, and continued visitations to the Neitherworld. Still, being sick like this was concerning. She wanted to blame Robert and his smarmy grin and cocky attitude, but she sensed things were only going to get worse.

Call it being sensitive to the energies around her, call it being psychic or partially dead, to begin with, but when Lydia got sick, there was a reason for it. She would have to make sure to give her doctor a call before the day was out. 

When she left the restroom's confines, her lawyer stood outside, files in hand, and a concerned look. She smiled at him apologetically. 

“Lydia, I know this is hard, but you really should consider getting a paternity test done. If the kids are not Roberts…”

“Look, I know I am stubborn, but it’s true. There is no point in checking. Beej wouldn’t touch me, no matter how I feel about him.”

“We talked about this before. Once his lawyers can convince him that the kids are a commodity, he may try for custody. Especially if it strengthens his claim to your money. If you are one hundred percent certain-”

“I am,” She said with finality. The man flinched at her tone, but she could see that he was starting to accept her words. “Really, Thank you for trying. But if Robert tries to get custody, he will have to prove it himself, and right now, he is firmly convinced they are not his. Why should I stroke his ego? I just want this over with.”

“One more question, if you will,” He asked just as she was leaving. Lydia was greeted with an amused grin, “Why did you keep your maiden name?”

Lydia laughed. “Oh, well, I’d like to tell you that, but I’m afraid that’s between me and my first husband.”


End file.
